My Story
I never thought I would be sitting here writing out my own heartfelt, honest, beautiful testimony of how Jesus Christ turned my life into something useful and worth living out loud. If you had told me a year ago that I would be sitting here, in the serene comfort of my room, spilling my soul onto paper I would have laughed — not because I didn’t believe, but out of pride. I thought I had everything in my life in the palm of my steady hand “under control.”
First, let’s rewind.
I was born into a Christian family. My dad never beat me, my mom was always attentive — I was blessed with a remarkable set of parents and a wonderful upbringing. My parents raised me with a strict moral code. I knew from a young age that it was wrong to steal, lie, cheat, drink and do drugs, and that thing called “sex”? You do not even think about messing with that until after you are married.
Throughout my childhood I would sporadically attend Sunday school classes full of crafts, listening to Bible stories, and a whole lot of singing. I learned very quickly that Jesus was important, that he did something great for us, and I accepted him.
As I progressed into my young teen years, I began to view Christianity as recreation rather than a relationship and way of life. I was very shy, and I wanted more than anything to have a reliable set of friends, and maybe even a “best friend” if I was lucky. I began attending various youth events in my community, viewing them as purely social meetings rather than opportunities to grow stronger in my faith. By this point, I had grown so self-conscious that I was too bashful to speak up at these events, usually returning home just as unfulfilled as I had been when I left.
When I turned thirteen, I realized that I had had enough. I was tired of my insecurities, shyness, and lack of reputation — I was going to take things into my own hands, get control over my life. In my case, this sense of control came in the form of anorexia.
At the time of my decision to lose weight, I had become enthralled with the unrealistic world of high fashion, and spent my days analyzing the figures of emaciated young models in Teen Vogue. During the summer between 7th and 8th grade, I lost upwards of 20 pounds by restricting my calorie intake to 500 calories a day. My parents noticed and begged me to stop, but I wouldn’t. I was winning. I stood 5’6” and weighed in at 95 pounds.
Everyone noticed — but not in a good way. On the first day of school while changing in the locker room for P.E., everyone told me I looked sick — not beautiful. I was devastated. Self-image had quickly become the center of my universe, and I felt as though Jesus was nowhere to be found.
Fast forward to high school. Thankfully, I began eating normally and was content with my weight, although the number on the scale was always a reflection of how “good” I was. Suddenly boys began paying me attention — something that had never happened to me up until this stage of my life. Male attention quickly pushed my weight concerns from the center of my life, subsequently pushing Jesus even farther down on my list of concerns. I had many crushes, but always remembering what my parents taught me, always obeyed their moral teachings when it came to boys. For the first half of my high school career a lot of flirtation, note passing, text messaging, and hand holding took place — nothing more, nothing less. In this time, I can count on one hand the number of times I attended church.
On Christmas Eve of my junior year I dove into my first serious relationship. I was sixteen, naive, yearning for companionship, and he was crazy for me. We were crazy for each other. Like most teenage relationships, ours was fueled by emotion, not thoughts. My parents’ long-established moral code quickly went out the door. We were “in love,” and those rules need not apply to us.
My boyfriend and I began attending church together regularly, listening to the good message on Sunday and indulging ourselves in immorality throughout the week, repeating the cycle month after month. As much as we prayed and talked about changing our behavior, no actions were taken.
After a year and a half of dating, my boyfriend and I went to college together. Throughout the school year we began to fall apart — our priorities shifted, we began competing against each other academically, and we were not seeing eye-to-eye on important moral issues. Three glaring red flags, which I chose to ignore.
In the spring of 2010, I was accepted to my dream school, and began making preparations to transfer. My boyfriend was silent — no congratulations or promises for the future. He began to become emotionally detached and verbally abusive. After nearly three years of dating, I freed myself from the toxic relationship and moved on to the next chapter of my life.
The transition into my new school was both exciting and difficult. I was in the exact place I wanted to be, but I was overcome with guilt and grief due to my past actions. Trying to acclimate into a new setting while getting over a breakup was the hardest thing I had ever had to do. Rather than turning to Jesus and the Christian community on campus, I reverted to boys, and for the first time in my life — alcohol.
Drunken nights out were my attempt to forget the sadness and have a “good time.” Meeting new guys was flattering, exciting, and fun, but as soon as they realized that I didn’t come cheap, they would desert me. This pattern continued relentlessly. I called out to God, “Why me?” and never got an answer.
Guys and perfect academics were the center of my world until this past spring. After being deceived tremendously and let down once again, I was run dry, empty. I don’t know who to trust anymore. Could I even trust myself?
For so, so long I had exerted all of my time and energy into trying to attain my “dream life”: perfect grades, the perfect guy, the preparing for the perfect future career. Chasing after my “dream” had landed me in a nightmare. On paper, I looked “good.” However, after reflecting upon everything I had done wrong — morally, physically, mentally — I was shattered. I was terrified and humiliated. I felt too filthy to call out to Jesus for help. For so long I had run from His love, but this time He wasn’t letting up, He wasn’t going to let me slip through the cracks again, and I could feel it.
On the last day of school after all of my roommates had packed up and moved out, I sat in our empty suite, sobbing, asking for forgiveness for everything I had done wrong and begging for the strength to live my life according to His plans, not my own. Something moved in me that night, and I will never be the same.
Since that pivotal night in my life, Jesus Christ has made amazing changes in every little aspect of my being. I no longer pursue worldly affection or love, because my heart is now in His hands. I am intent on saving myself for the man God selects for me, no matter how difficult or “unrealistic” that may be in our culture’s eyes. For the first time in my life I feel secure, complete, happy, and confident. My demeanor has completely changed: a pessimist turned optimist, someone full of self-pity turned into someone wanting to mend the hurts of others. Words cannot explain how every facet of my life has been reshaped for His purposes. The girl who thought she had it all under control gave her life away — and got everything she needed in return.
I was dead, and now I am alive. I am sharing my story because I want others to know that He is just waiting to love you — all it takes is a humble, honest confession and acceptance of the beautiful salvation that is Jesus Christ. My tremendous life changes were none of my own doing. My circumstances are not the result of some stroke of luck, a change in attitude, or a altered outlook on life, but only the result of me finally giving my life away and allowing Jesus to completely consume my heart. His blood cleansed me of every sinful act and thought — that alone is reason enough to forever praise Him for His everlasting goodness.
I am a work in progress, being molded and shaped for His purposes each and every day. I still struggle and fall short, but I get back up again. Every day I thank God that I am far from what I once was, but not yet what I am going to be.
If you took the time to read my journey to my fulfilling relationship with Jesus, I thank you. If you are confused, feeling unworthy, or skeptical of His love, I would be more than happy to talk with you — just say hi! In the words of Aaron Gillespie, “His love is free, baby! It’s the hope of the world.”
-Lindsay
July 21, 2011
