Time to push it all back and run after the Love given to me freely. Only then will my story fall into place the way it’s meant to.
I’m really, really scared of shedding this security blanket and safe hiding place.
But I’m going to be taken care of :)
I woke up and fell asleep in His arms each and every day last summer, rising renewed and living assured that I was priceless.
I am awestruck.
After staying up all night to study, missing Fall registration for classes (luckily I got ‘em, just a little late!) and immediately falling in my bed to sleep upon returning home, I woke to an overcast sky with my heart feeling very much the same.
And then I went to check the mail.
My Tumblr penpal and all-around incredible woman Mary (she really is amazing!) sent me a surprise package complete with a thoughtful hand-written note and Joyce Meyer’s “The Confident Woman.” Out of coincidence I had been reading snippets of this book on my Bible app each morning, taking in an empowering paragraph each morning over the span of two weeks.
But now, I think it is much more than coincidence. It took all I had not to get a little emotional at the P.O. box, folks. God is fighting for me again, and I can feel it. This time, I feel it.
It took a penned letter and over 1,000 miles to remind me that we are all women and we all struggle. We all have setbacks. We all have our own personalized, tricky temptations. We cannot control those things, but we can control whether or not they define us, take hold over our lives or pull us away from faith.
Life is a beautiful battle. I won’t let my recent choices leave me alone on the sidelines, because those aren’t me.
P.S. Mary, if you’re reading this, you’re getting a long message from me soon! And a little something from my upcoming New York trip!
I couldn’t ask for a better day spent outdoors. If I’ve learned one thing today, God is good and He is redeeming. Last week everything in my life looked overcast, and just look at this sunshine a week later. It’s time to get up and walk again. Walk hard, without looking back. (Taken with Instagram at The Village)
I’m so happy here.
I love my school. I’ve been blessed with an open, warm apartment to come home to after a long day, a variety of great friends and I’ve found my niche on campus. God has placed me here for a reason, and my eyes are more fully opened to that reason each day.
However, I am restless. I long for more adventure and less routine. I long for more cityscapes and less rolling pastures. More passion, less apathy.
Last night at the Wesley service I learned about the danger of moving into our comfort zone. I don’t think I truly realized how satisfied I had become living in the middle until one of the speakers, Sarah, took the mic and explained what had been on her heart for some time now:
When we acknowledge that we have become too comfortable in life, that is when we begin to long for the things of the past. The things we wanted when we had no faith.
1. A time to discover God’s will for your life, grow into your own person, travel without abandon, flourish in self-confidence, and become the Proverbs 31 woman you were meant to be.
2. Not a time to wallow, become restless, get angry, or settle for anything less than the man who has been chosen for you. Most of all, this is a time that shouldn’t be taken for granted.
I stop. Why? The answer hit me tonight while writing, and its effect on my outlook was nothing less than rejuvenating.
Why would a loving Father give his daughter a gift her heart doesn’t truly desire?
The month of September alone has proven to me that God is all-knowing of the desires of my heart, and He won’t relent until those hopes are fulfilled — and then some. As of late, my heart has been asking to be filled with adventure (hello, New York City in 22 days!), success in school (I’m doing well,thankfully!), opportunities to build a foundation for my career (three writing jobs in one month, goodness!), confidence (I sometimes prance around campus like Beyonce…only kidding), and to draw closer to God (I am in love with my weekly Bible study, and I’m going to Passion in January!). Not one longing or wish has gone unanswered this month.
Having a guy in my life isn’t the number one priority for the first time in forever. As mortifying as it is for me to admit that, it is the truth, and I’m certain that many women have found themselves in that position one time or another in their lives. So I will be patient. When the day comes that “boyfriend” becomes a healthy component of my prayers, I will know, and God will know as well.
#ENDOFGLORIOUSRANT
but, dang, is it difficult to deal with sometimes. I am sitting here watching Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist and all I’d like is to share it with a special dude — even though my sister is here visiting.
Yes, I feel ungrateful.
Yes, I feel needy.
Yes, I feel weak.
It’s just frustrating meeting a long string of Mr. Wrongs. I’m twenty years old and I’ve never had a God-centered relationship. Yet I desire one, so much.
Dearest followers, I have missed creepin’ on, commenting on, and discussing your lives. I had every intention of logging off and staying off of Tumblr until the end of August, however, God revealed something huge to me last night and I have to share it with all of you!
Yesterday morning I woke up early before class to have my quiet time with God, time to read, and time to enjoy getting ready and savoring my chai oatmeal (yes, it is as delicious as it sounds!) Before leaving for the day, I prayed, prayed desperately for my current shroud of numbness regarding life to be lifted. I asked God to “shake me up,” and to do “whatever it takes to do it.” With those exact words uttered, I left for my day, fully unaware of what was around the corner for that evening.
Without going into too much detail (because we never know who lurks this URL!), God shook me, both emotionally and physically. God moved. God moved me.
Last night I forgave the last person I ever thought I would have the courage, strength, or the right words to forgive. I forgave them with honesty, power, and dignity. I didn’t cover up my raw feelings with “I’m sorry”s or “I know this is random, but…”s. I didn’t deny my hurt or my anger like I had for so, so long.
And you know what? I’m still standing. I’m still happy, happier than ever, actually, because this ugly and burdensome weight on my heart has been lifted. Four agonizing months of this weight, and now it is as if it were never there at all.
My point to this post? God is good, so good, all of the time. I feel like the trial of numbness occurred in order to draw me closer to Him, to seek Him with all of my heart, and then He came through like he always does and gave me the power to forgive when the time was perfect. He wants this school year to be monumental for me, and I can feel that now. He is cleansing my heart of all of the bad, fragmented relationships of yesteryear. They are all washed away now. My heart is new.
